I sort of read a post of suicide and all I could think was how relieving it would be.
Quite frankly I understand the pain the suiciders family, friends and everyone would think.
But I don’t think the one who made that post quite understands the crushing and overwhelming feeling of just blank. I can’t describe it but it sure as hell makes me want to die.
It sounds angst as hell, but oh my god.
I know I’ll never survive over the age 25.
I know I’ll never date anyone.
I know I’ll never kiss anyone.
I know I’ll never be able to be old and happy and have grandchildren, because I never do want children.
And I know I would understand if someone I knew did suicide.
I just don’t see a future for me.
I don’t see any future.
I actually am breaking down so bad right now.
Just last week I felt as if my chest was crushing. Not physical, but in every aspect. I really couldn’t help it when I was about to go to shower I just couldn’t breathe and I just started crying and I couldn’t help myself.
I was so close on killing myself.
Being is just tough. Suicide in my point of view is not cowardly. It’s in my opinion a gateway.
No I don’t have the heart to care for the people I have managed to worm my way into their personal bubble.
No I don’t care at all. All I do feel is the burning want to end that burning want.
And it hurts, oh god how much it hurts. I was so close on sending a suicide note to my friend and I destroyed it when I realised not yet.
Not fucking yet.
So no. Don’t think it’s cowardly. If someone commited suicide, that person is in so much pain you don’t even know.
That person can’t stop judging themselves at all.
That person is broken and what you can do is console them and maybe, just maybe, that person can see past their pain.
But so far I can’t see a goddamned thing. I’m fucking lost and I can’t see a fucking thing, because all I can sense is my fucked up head spewing shit to me, saying I should die. I really wouldn’t care if someone decided I should die today. I really wouldn’t. That would only help my family and friends guide their anger to my killer.
Right now? Right now though I just can’t live with myself.
So unless someone has a way to fix me, I’m offing myself. And that’s just a matter of years.
Oh my god, I really just opened my heart for you, and that hurts.